Depression – A View From Inside

Depression can be an incredibly powerful force. It has the ability to reshape our lives, often with devastating impact. It twist and distorts our view. It limits what it allows us to see, showing us only the bad and the negative possibilities. It contradicts every positive thought and then shames us for even having entertained that thought.

In other words, depression lies. It tells us we aren’t worthy or capable or lovable. It tells us we are alone and that even if someone could help, they won’t because we don’t deserve it.

I have a wonderful client. A smart, charming, beautiful young woman that has been fighting with depression for a long time. Recently she shared a poem she wrote in 8th grade. I was so moved by it that I asked if I could share it with others and she generously agreed to allow the world to glimpse inside of her, to witness her struggles.

The poem is very moving and for some it will be very difficult to read. My purpose in sharing it isn’t to make others feel bad. I hope that for those of you that haven’t felt the oppressive weight of depression it might give you some insight. More importantly, I hope those of you that do battle, or have battled, depression will see that you are not alone. The feelings you experience aren’t really about you. They are the feelings that depression pushes on to you. The ones they lie about and tell you are of your own making. Except they aren’t.

As you read this poem I hope you’ll see that the emotions and judgments it contains aren’t, in fact can’t really be true about this young woman. It is the depression lying to her. And then maybe you’ll consider that the way you feel isn’t an accurate reflection of the real you. It is the depression lying to you.

I want to thank my brave, talented client for sharing this with all of us.

 

Falling Apart

Depression is the feeling

When the world is crashing down

You can do nothing to stop it

And you know it is your fault.

Depression is the feeling

When you’d rather give up

Then to make the same mistakes

Again.

When you look inside yourself

And you see nothing to love,

You see only things to hate,

Feeling

Truly

Empty.

The feeling when you know

What you can do to fix it

What you can do to be happy again.

But you don’t, you can’t

You won’t.

You just make the same mistakes again and again

The mistakes that cost you happiness.

When you know that you were happy

But you can’t remember when and

You can’t remember what it feels like.

When you don’t trust yourself

When you shoot yourself down

With your own good intentions

When you know what to fix

But can’t.

You won’t and you don’t.

You know

What to fix, when to fix it, how to fix it and where to fix it

But you stop yourself

And

You don’t know why.

You put things off

Again and again

You get swept up

You come crashing down

All you want to do

Is go somewhere

Where everyone is happy

Where everyone can do

Whatever they want

In

Peace.

You want peace.

You want to sleep

You want to not have to worry ever again.

You say

You won’t do this again

But you do it again, and again, and again

And again

And again

Until you crash

And burn

And you could have saved yourself

From the fate ahead of you but you didn’t

You couldn’t

You wouldn’t.

Depression

The feeling when you brought this all upon yourself

And you can’t change it now.

~~

photo credit: Ondřej Šálek film_08_2016_010 via photopin (license)